sweet slumber eludes me

there is a banal scientific explanation for my stigmata. bah.

maybe you know, maybe you don't -- but i have been having some sleep issues: can't fall asleep, can't stay asleep, wake up ridiculously early. anyway. to (hopefully) deal with it, i went to see a doctor at a sleep disorder clinic. they set me up for an overnight sleep lab observation. monday night, i trudged through the cold (it's cold here now / cold, snowy, rainy) to ny presbyterian for my sleep observation appointment. my sleep room left much to be desired - namely, a prison cell.but, after living at UBC housing & partaking in extremely cheap accommodations on the road, not much fazes me.

my appointment was scheduled for 10:30 pm. i didn't get to lie down in the grungy bed until 1:00 am. already things were not looking so great for a restful sleep, since the technician wakes you up at 6 am. the technician setting me up for observation (which requires attaching a series of electrodes & monitors to my head, face, neck & legs.) is originally from russia. vladislav took his technician-ing very seriously. he explained everything in excruciating detail. when i jokingly asked him if he was going to test me on it later, he looked at me blankly and said "no test".

as he continued to tape wires to me, he explained that they had to use extra wires on me because they were running a "seizure montage" study on me as well as the regular sleep study. goody. while he was hooking me up, i watched BBC news on the television in the room. in the midst of a lecture on sleep apnea, vlad would throw in some political non sequiturs and some politically incorrect non sequiturs. for instance, vlad hates doing sleep studies on orthodox jewish people (though he is quick to explain that he is jewish himself). hmmm. okay. also, most of vlad's patients are large, overweight black men with no hair. the no hair part of it makes vlad's job much easier, since there is no hair getting tangled in the wires and getting gopped up with paste.

oh yes, paste. the stuff vlad uses to stick the electrodes to my head comes out of a tube like toothpaste and then solidifies like liquid cement. i imagine this is how people feel when they are getting dreads.

anyway, vlad finally finishes and helps me get into the bed. an ordeal, since i am hooked up from head to toe (well, almost toe). vlad covers me up with a blanket and leaves the room. we communicate through an intercom to make sure the set-up is working: look left, look right, look up, move your legs, breathe deeply. vlad comes in to the room again and fusses around my face. he clips two electrodes onto my chest. oh, was something malfunctioning? no, he says. i forgot to clip these on. the monitor inside the observation room shows you as flatlining. great.

good night to you too.

i lie in bed wide awake. they ask you to try to fall asleep on your back since that's the best way they can observe any problems you might be having physiologically. but i can't fall asleep on my back. i curl up into a weird fetal position when i sleep. i decide to try sleeping on my back. an eternity seems to go by. i wonder how skewed the data from this study will be, since i am in no way comfortable. i finally turn over to my side (with my back to the video camera) and try to fall asleep. after all, it's not called a lie in bed all night, tossing and turning, wide awake study.

i am not sure i slept at all. i have a lot of memories of not sleeping. if i did sleep, it was very light and not at all restful. at 6 am, the morning technician came in to wake me up. i bolt up, pulling at all the wires (which, emanating from my head, make me look like medusa). (oh, vlad took a polaroid of me with all the wires attached. it's pretty funny, actually.)

the tech disconnects me and shows me to a shower. it takes forever to wash the paste out of my hair. the paste is water soluble but it's also mega thick! it's like someone took a tube of crest and swirled it into my hair. i finally finish in the shower, pack up my stuff and leave the sleep lab.

time (at) sleep lab: 9.5 hours
time asleep (at) lab: 0.45 hours (maybe)