my heartbreaking-est wednesday

wednesday morning was super. i woke up and got dressed, taking extra care in my appearance. because i was going to meet M.B. (the waiter from cafe einstein) i have to say, i was looking sharp. sharper than sharp. than henckels knives.

first off, i went down to coffee corner, where the owner (a delightful and sweet algerian man recently transplated to berlin from london) and his wife run a very cute, very excellent coffee shop. it's tiny with 3 tables out front to scope out the scene on kottbusser strasse. he is great. he was one of the constants in my visit. i would go there every morning and have the same order: toasted bagel, lightly buttered & chai latte. we chatted about everything under the sun. this last morning was a little sad since i wouldn't be seeing him for a while. i asked him about 100 nosy questions about his family, his wife, his kids, algeria, how he liked growing up in turkey, etc. then it was his turn. he asked me if i have a boyfriend. i said no. he looked so shocked he fell over backward. and then he said, with such sweetness in his voice, "i can't believe that. you are so beautiful, kind and intelligent." i reply with my usual, "i dunno. i think maybe boys are scared of me." and he says (and god bless him) "if that's true, then it's because they know they don't compare as your equal." (seriously, if this man was not married with three kids, i would totally have gotten down on one knee and proposed to him with a ring made out of a random paperclip in my bag.) he truly made my day.

my next stop was the jewish museum. i didn't have tonnes of time here, since i had to be at killer beast at 12:00 to pick up my dress (the wonderful ladies there had done some tailoring so it fit better. and get this! i offered to pay for it the first time i went there, and they said, well if it doesn't fit you after we tailor it, you don't have to buy it. i said, that's crazy. of course i will buy it. you are going to alter it for me. they seriously said that if it didn't fit me, they couldn't accept money from me. this would NEVER in one trillion years happen in nyc. just sayin'. so back to the jewish museum. again, i got off at the nearest u-bahn station and walked for about 4 blocks the wrong way (on average, it seems that it takes me four blocks to figure out that i'm not going in the direction i ought to be going. not too bad. it could definitely be worse. i could have walked 14 blocks in the wrong direction.)

the jewish museum is a must-see in berlin. as is the jewish memorial. the museum is definitely worth seeing for anyone with even a passing interest in architecture and design. It was designed by Daniel Libeskind. the building was actually known first for its architecture because it was created in 1999, and the museum took residence there in 2001 (i think). anyway, this building is the first building i've seen in a while that has really just captivated me. what's more - the structure encourages (actually forces) the visitors to really engage with it. there are a number of "voids" (5) that connect the new building in 1999 to the old structure that was here. the voids are like spaces for reflection within the museum and they are really stark, concrete, cold, but perfectly embody (i think) all that you can't see in a museum -- basically, the feeling of emptiness and loss associated with the holocaust.

another cool feature that makes this museum like no other i've visited is the garden of exile. the garden is where you come out to after you've visited the 3 axes of the museum's permanent collection of holocaust history (photographs, letters, belongings). it has a number of pillars (very much like the jewish memorial i described earlier). and there is a way you walk around it that actually leaves you feeling very disoriented. i think it provides a perfect context for grappling with all the questioning post-holocaust of how did this happen, how did we let this happen, etc. i'm not sure what the architect created, but those are the things i thought of when i walked through. though i would skip it if you have a weak stomach. it does kind of make you wanna puke.

the other piece of the museum that really stays with me is the holocaust tower, which is one of the voids. it's a very angular, sharp concrete structure that you stand inside. it is very quiet, and the only light is natural light from a little opening in the sky. it commemorates the victims of the holocaust and though i have never visited a concentration camp to see it for myself, this is what i imagine those gas chambers to be like. dark, empty, scary, hollow, and without soul. it's one of those experiences where design almost comes to belong inside you because it makes you respond so viscerally to something you are standing in or seeing. it's like how you can look at a single painting and feel so many complex emotions.

ok. that was a little heavier than my usual postings. i know that a lot of you are waiting to hear what happens with my waiter-friend. be patient, sweetlings. i have much more to tell.

i left the jewish museum a little late. so i literally ran (well, "ran") to killer beast. i realized that i confused it's location with the glasses place, but fortunately i was going in the same direction. i get out and run (and this time i did run) to the store. the two women are there (they are the owners) and i try on the dress. the woman who does the alterations is a perfectionist, so while i think it looks great, she thinks it needs to be taken in a bit more and needs a few more darts. whatever you want i say. to me a dart is something you throw at a picture of george bush's head. go crazy, lady. so i'm sitting there are she's fixing the dress. of course we are chatting up a storm. i love to talk. i am verbose. i make statements of the obvious. though in german every statement i make is of the obvious. turns out that there is a gallery in brooklyn with a sister gallery in berlin, and it's run by her friend. cool, i say. i give her my card for her next visit to new york. of course you can stay with me! the refitting is done and the dress looks great. it passes the german inspection. i stick around shooting the breeze and then realize i have to go meet my friend at the fountain at kottbusser tor. i dash out, telling them about my "date" and they give me a thumbs up (which i take to mean either "you go girl" or "go and get some" or both).

so this is where the story gets a little bit not so happy. that's an understatement. but there is a silver lining to it all.

when M.B. and i made the plan. he said we could meet at a wasserplatz (or what i thought he said was wasserplatz) at kottbusser tor u-bahn station. [even writing this up is making me sad]. so i get there with 15 minutes to spare for our 1:30 meeting time. i dash through the station and walk in the direction of the water fountain i thought he was talking about. it takes me longer to get there because it is further from kottbusser than i thought. i am running late now and (given the german propensity to be punctual) starting to worry that he thinks i have stood him up. nothing could be further from the truth. had i known that the following would occur, i would have sat at kottbusser tor for the whole morning in anticipation of his glorious visage. but i didn't. so i'm waiting there. then i think oh, there's another water thing nearby, maybe he's there. so i go there. by now it is 2 pm. i haven't seen him and i'm starting to think there is some confusion. i check my email -- (thank god for blackberries. say what you want about them chaining you to a desk or whatever, i completely disagree. they liberate me like never before) -- no messages from him telling me he can't make it or he'll be late. i send him an email (hoping he can check it on his phone or something) saying that i'm at such and such place, and maybe i'm in the wrong place. of course there is no pay phone in sight. because this waterfall thing is in a park, not on the street. i walk around for another 15 minutes frantically looking for a phone. i even asked someone if i could use their cell phone to make a local call, but they didn't speak english (or pretended not to, anyway). so i'm sure you can imagine what happened. i wait around in that place for 2 hours. before i finally give up. part of me thinks maybe he stood me up, but i don't really believe it because he was the one who made the plan to meet and show me around. and also, i don't want to believe he would stand me up.

so, forlorn, miserable and feeling like a first-class loser for not confirming the location better. i walk home. i'm not paying attention, so i walk way out of the way. at this point, i'm starving, i've spent most of my last afternoon in berlin waiting and wandering aimlessly. i stop at a coffee shop to have a latte and at least get some reading done. i finish my latte and figure out the way home and walk back. i sit in the dark and really feel sad about not getting to see M.B.

at 7 pm, N.L. comes by to make sure i haven't set the apartment on fire, or given it over to squatters, or decided to put a skylight in the ceiling. he is in a rush so he does a quick inspection. everything is where he said it would be. he gives me back my deposit - 50 euro. as he's leaving, he says something that does lift my spirit: "you are a really funny person, and very genuine. i'm very glad i met you. and next time you come to berlin, you have to call me. now i know you, and we can go get a drink as friends." wow. he really did make my day about 10 000 times better. and seriously my day needed some pep after my non-date. it really did.

i start packing up my stuff. i blog about the day before. i'm too tired & grumpy to blog about wednesday, knowing that i had set up this whole big ta-dah i'm going to meet a cute german boy for a tour of berlin thing on tuesday. i was really disappointed in the whole situation, but didn't really know who to blame or if i could even blame anyone. i don't think i can.

i decide to snap out of it, and be an adult. there is a very nice restaurant about mid-way down maybachufur strasse (where i'm staying) called cafe jacques. every time i've walked past, it has been full and it looks really nice inside. i decide to bust out some sympathy euros for myself and eat away my pain (like always). so i go in, get a table for me, order my dinner. the waitress is really nice. there are friendly people all around me. and i'm in berlin. so i make the best of it. that's all one can really do, isn't it?

i go home, and read my book (i'm reading "travels with charley in search of america" by john steinbeck. a great read for anyone traveling in general or interested in a travelogue about driving across the united states by someone who can actually write. recommended - check plus). drift asleep, imagining what my day with M.B. would have been like.

sigh. mostly a sucky day. sucky supremely, but such is life. roll with it. if he stood me up, his loss. if we were both waiting around in different places, then so it was and we both lost.

[there is more to this story, however. but you will have to wait because i am an evil torture machine manufactured in an evil factory and will make you sit and wait until i get around to blogging tomorrow or the next day. muhahahahahahaha.]